:::deep breath:::

You guys have some catching up to do, and I apologize in advance. Especially if you have no idea what I could be talking about.

This was us a week ago:


Now that shirt of Graham’s is in a storage bin on the top shelf of his closet. Like I said, you have a lot of catching up to do.

We’ve had a really rough week this week, but before this week, we’d had a REALLY awesome month. I chronicled our journey from the very beginning this time. Thanks to technology, I was able to write all I wanted and keep everyone from seeing it until I was ready. Given what’s gone down, I originally thought that I’d keep the posts to myself. Andy, however, encouraged me to take the posts public. All pending my desire to do so, of course, but I’ve gotten a lot out of reading the story from beginning to end. Maybe you will too.

All the posts will be in reverse chronological order and nestled between other posts you’ve already read, but thanks to the Categories function, if you click on the link and scroll to the bottom, you can follow the story from beginning to end here:

When the Worst Happens

I couldn’t bear to think about it, much less write about it – but time is moving forward, and I need to get this out before I leave this completely in the past.

We lost our baby.

Later on the morning of December 6th, at Andy’s encouragement, I called the doctor again. I was at work – I had ended up going in that morning. While I was a little worried that things might become unbearable – Pain? Discomfort? I didn’t really know what to expect – I knew I needed to try and carry on as well as I could manage. Pain never really swept me away. Mild discomfort was all I ever really experienced.

I left a message with the doctor and the nurse said she’d have her call me back. I hate that. It’s hard to find a private place to talk on the fly.

I had a vendor in that morning, a flavor company. They were interested in starting some long term research with our team. I sat in a meeting with my boss and the vendor and we discussed objectives and plans and other work stuff like that. I noticed I missed a callback from my doctor.

Then, the vendor wanted to take us out to lunch. So, we all piled in one car and left for a Thai place. As we were walking in, my phone rang again – my doctor calling a second time. I thanked my lucky stars that I was presented with such a graceful opportunity for privacy. I told everyone I’d meet them inside. I stayed out in the cold and, shivering, relayed everything that had transgressed since I’d seen her last. She wanted me to come in.

That afternoon, I had to exit a team meeting, smack in the middle of our agenda, to leave for the doctor. I met Andy in the parking lot. Not much waiting in the waiting room, they called me back quickly. A quick weight and blood pressure check with my cheery nurse who assured us that everything was probably okay, and they ushered me and Andy to Sonogoraphy.

This would make for my third ultrasound with my third different sonographer that week. The sonographer asked me what we expected the baby to be measuring. I told her 6 weeks, 4 days, per our appointment yesterday. She said, “You had an ultrasound yesterday?” I said, “Yes.” She continued looking in silence at the screen and moving her wand around. Eventually she said, “I’m so sorry, but I see absolutely no sign of pregnancy today.”

“None?!” I asked, “No… nothing?” She said, “It seems like you’ve passed everything.”

And that was it. We met with my doctor who talked some things through with us. It’s pretty straightforward. I was six weeks in, the first trimester is tough. Yes, my risk of miscarriage went down statistically because we’d seen a heartbeat, but there are no guarantees.

We’ve been making it through this week. Graham’s been a bear to deal with, so that has at least been some distraction – although I could quite honestly live with less attitude. 😛 We’re doing okay, and I know we’ll be okay. It just hurts for now.

Losing Hope

My condition is worsening, and it’s becoming more and more clear with the hours that go by that this pregnancy is not going well. I’m losing hope that we’re going to come through this together. And by ‘we’, I mean me and baby.

And I’m sad. So desperately and acutely sad.

Of course, we have no confirmation of anything. I can’t really call and request an ultrasound every day. What if the heart is still beating? Does that give me hope or just more worry? It couldn’t possibly make me feel any better.

All I wanted to do today was curl up in a pile of blankets and wish this last week away. But I had a little boy in his crib with a wet diaper who had a plan for his day that didn’t include watching me mope on the couch. And I had an 8:30 meeting this morning that somehow got rescheduled from the 11:00 I had to miss yesterday because I needed an emergency ultrasound. AND the cleaning lady was coming this morning.

I heard God pret-ty clearly saying, “Go. Get on with your life.” So, I listened. We’ll see where this decides to go.

Worry, Fear and Doubt

After all that floating on Cloud 9 about the baby I was busy doing last week, I sure came in for a crash landing on Saturday.

Let me back up a little bit. During my first appointment, the doctor noted that my sonographer had discovered “some bleeding behind the baby.” She told me that if I started having any issues, to come in and get an ultrasound.

Well, in the midst of cookie-making on Saturday, my little hematoma decided to make its presence known. So I dealt with that on Saturday… and Sunday… and into today. I called the doctor’s office, and they got me an appointment to come in at 11:00 a.m.

Here’s the good news. The baby has grown since the last time we came in. There is also a heartbeat. The baby could be bigger, and the heartbeat could be faster, but at least their measurements make sense with each other, even if they’re both a little bit on the low side. It’s nothing that, in and of itself, is cause for concern.

The doctor was less than reassuring. She stated facts. The baby has grown since last time, and there is a heartbeat. The bleed they saw last time hasn’t shrunk and, if anything, has gotten bigger. She preferred to say it was the same size. The bleed is likely the cause of my issues. She said that it will likely reabsorb into my body. But, she made clear, I’m not out of the woods. I’m still only 6 and a half freaking weeks along. Anything can happen.

To add to this whole general level of discomfort with the goings-on within my body is the almost complete and utter LACK OF DISCOMFORT that I’m experiencing. Seriously? Easiest 1st trimester ever. No nausea, no real food aversions, exhaustion relatively correlated to how much activity I’m putting in with my almost 2-year-old. All of this, of course, gives the doctor further pause about the ultimate viability of this baby. You can tell. She kind of shrugged and said that maybe we just have a kid who marches to the beat of a different drummer. And then she smiled an unconvincing smile.

So we wait until our next appointment the first week in January. That is, unless I start showing some really obvious signs of badness, then she wants me to come back in. It makes sense, there’s nothing she can do for me but wait it out and see what this little one decides to do.

Times like these I really try and remember that there is a plan for me. There is a plan for this baby. There is a plan for my children. For Andy. I just really wish I was able to know what the plan is. It would take so much guesswork out of it, even though I know that’s not the point.


Hello, Internet. I’d like to introduce you to our newest son or daughter.

Admittedly, it’s not a great picture. 😛

The newest member of our family is that little vertical line next to the big-ish circle. (Bracketed in white.) Sure, there’s not much to see this early on. Just the peanut. :) You don’t get the benefit of having been there, but ahhh we saw the heartbeat. We saw its little heart beat. It looked like a tiny bit of quicksilver swirling in the center of that little bean.

Graham was a whole week older at his first ultrasound, so we saw eyes and stuff like that, but I never recall seeing the heartbeat. The sonographer told us it was there, so of course I took her word for it, but I never got to see it. This guy/girl had one wonderfully working ticker.

Our due date is set at July 25, 2012. It seems so far away right now, but I know it’ll be here before I’m fully ready. That’s just how it works, isn’t it?

This time we’ve chosen to just tell immediate family. Moms, dads, sisters and brothers. Everyone knows except Andy’s parents and little brother. Craig and Susan are coming down this weekend, so – after a phonecall to Michael – the cat will be as out of the bag as we’re planning to let it until mid-January. I hate not telling anyone else, but it is nice to just have this news to ourselves. Starting after Graham’s ultrasound, we were one slow leak that sprung more leaks, which begat more leaks and, by the time we revealed, I’m not sure who was actually surprised. :)

Anyhow, that’s the plan. So, I’m just quietly sitting here tonight (Andy’s at rehearsal at church) excited about this little one. Wondering about them. Thinking pink and blue and the implications of both. It’s so awesome to let yourself get excited. And such a high stakes game we play here.