When the Worst Happens

I couldn’t bear to think about it, much less write about it – but time is moving forward, and I need to get this out before I leave this completely in the past.

We lost our baby.

Later on the morning of December 6th, at Andy’s encouragement, I called the doctor again. I was at work – I had ended up going in that morning. While I was a little worried that things might become unbearable – Pain? Discomfort? I didn’t really know what to expect – I knew I needed to try and carry on as well as I could manage. Pain never really swept me away. Mild discomfort was all I ever really experienced.

I left a message with the doctor and the nurse said she’d have her call me back. I hate that. It’s hard to find a private place to talk on the fly.

I had a vendor in that morning, a flavor company. They were interested in starting some long term research with our team. I sat in a meeting with my boss and the vendor and we discussed objectives and plans and other work stuff like that. I noticed I missed a callback from my doctor.

Then, the vendor wanted to take us out to lunch. So, we all piled in one car and left for a Thai place. As we were walking in, my phone rang again – my doctor calling a second time. I thanked my lucky stars that I was presented with such a graceful opportunity for privacy. I told everyone I’d meet them inside. I stayed out in the cold and, shivering, relayed everything that had transgressed since I’d seen her last. She wanted me to come in.

That afternoon, I had to exit a team meeting, smack in the middle of our agenda, to leave for the doctor. I met Andy in the parking lot. Not much waiting in the waiting room, they called me back quickly. A quick weight and blood pressure check with my cheery nurse who assured us that everything was probably okay, and they ushered me and Andy to Sonogoraphy.

This would make for my third ultrasound with my third different sonographer that week. The sonographer asked me what we expected the baby to be measuring. I told her 6 weeks, 4 days, per our appointment yesterday. She said, “You had an ultrasound yesterday?” I said, “Yes.” She continued looking in silence at the screen and moving her wand around. Eventually she said, “I’m so sorry, but I see absolutely no sign of pregnancy today.”

“None?!” I asked, “No… nothing?” She said, “It seems like you’ve passed everything.”

And that was it. We met with my doctor who talked some things through with us. It’s pretty straightforward. I was six weeks in, the first trimester is tough. Yes, my risk of miscarriage went down statistically because we’d seen a heartbeat, but there are no guarantees.

We’ve been making it through this week. Graham’s been a bear to deal with, so that has at least been some distraction – although I could quite honestly live with less attitude. 😛 We’re doing okay, and I know we’ll be okay. It just hurts for now.

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