Worry, Fear and Doubt

After all that floating on Cloud 9 about the baby I was busy doing last week, I sure came in for a crash landing on Saturday.

Let me back up a little bit. During my first appointment, the doctor noted that my sonographer had discovered “some bleeding behind the baby.” She told me that if I started having any issues, to come in and get an ultrasound.

Well, in the midst of cookie-making on Saturday, my little hematoma decided to make its presence known. So I dealt with that on Saturday… and Sunday… and into today. I called the doctor’s office, and they got me an appointment to come in at 11:00 a.m.

Here’s the good news. The baby has grown since the last time we came in. There is also a heartbeat. The baby could be bigger, and the heartbeat could be faster, but at least their measurements make sense with each other, even if they’re both a little bit on the low side. It’s nothing that, in and of itself, is cause for concern.

The doctor was less than reassuring. She stated facts. The baby has grown since last time, and there is a heartbeat. The bleed they saw last time hasn’t shrunk and, if anything, has gotten bigger. She preferred to say it was the same size. The bleed is likely the cause of my issues. She said that it will likely reabsorb into my body. But, she made clear, I’m not out of the woods. I’m still only 6 and a half freaking weeks along. Anything can happen.

To add to this whole general level of discomfort with the goings-on within my body is the almost complete and utter LACK OF DISCOMFORT that I’m experiencing. Seriously? Easiest 1st trimester ever. No nausea, no real food aversions, exhaustion relatively correlated to how much activity I’m putting in with my almost 2-year-old. All of this, of course, gives the doctor further pause about the ultimate viability of this baby. You can tell. She kind of shrugged and said that maybe we just have a kid who marches to the beat of a different drummer. And then she smiled an unconvincing smile.

So we wait until our next appointment the first week in January. That is, unless I start showing some really obvious signs of badness, then she wants me to come back in. It makes sense, there’s nothing she can do for me but wait it out and see what this little one decides to do.

Times like these I really try and remember that there is a plan for me. There is a plan for this baby. There is a plan for my children. For Andy. I just really wish I was able to know what the plan is. It would take so much guesswork out of it, even though I know that’s not the point.


  1. Man, I could have written this post a few years ago, especially paras 1-5 & 7. That incremental growth, but falling a bit behind–the heartbeat being detected, but more than ‘just a little’ off. The waiting (FOREVER) until the next appointment, when you hope that you’ll hear better news. Mmm.

    Can I share something that’s helped, though it isn’t easy? Keep at least one of the ultrasound pics. I’ve found there’s something critically helpful in being able to hold something tangible that says, “Yes, it really happened. Yes, _______ or _______ really existed, really lived. There WAS a body, a heart that beat.” It makes a huge difference, at least to me, that there was a body, not just some disembodied soul–it makes me long for Resurrection Day, and gives me the promise that there will be someone to hold and see and touch on that great day. I wouldn’t trade that hope for anything.

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